I am having a hard time. Honestly, I have BEEN having a difficult time. Why is that so hard to admit? Even on this platform with a certain level of anonymity, I struggled to type this. I feel exposed. I am being vulnerable, exposing myself to the 1 (or 2 ha!) people that view my blog. This should be easier but yet it’s still challenging. I find myself often thinking I don’t belong here. Nothing feels quite right, only okay, if even. I’ve long felt overworked, undervalued, and unappreciated. Yet, it seems everyone feels that way, so I continued to push through. Those feelings still persists, it seems tenfold now. The validation felt nice, but the normalcy of my feelings left me to wonder if it’s my job, my field, the systems at work, or still just me lol.

Do I need to go back to school for another degree to find a better work-life balance and happiness? Is it just my field? Are my skills transferable to something else? Do I need more hobbies? Better hobbies? A more active social life? More exercise? Better quality, healthier food? I struggle to answer what it is that I need to be or feel better. I struggle to understand what could make me feel whole. All of these questions tend to overwhelm me, one of the contributing factors to my functional freeze. Outside of my basic needs, I’m finding it extremely difficult to care for me. It’s arduous, too mentally taxing. An individual against a machine and I’m scared to admit I’m losing.